There was some poem or article or something that I was reading the other day-for the life of me I can't remember what it was or anything about it besides one line that caught my attention: "I am happy because of what's happening right now, but I am also sad because I know time will take you away from me eventually; and with that, surely you will take my happiness with you- it is inevitable."
It seems that whenever I think about anything even somewhat important, I tend to always come back to the subject of time. Is that strange? I'd like to think that I'm just more aware of time in general than most people, but maybe I just bring up the subject more than most people would. I don't know; I'm not most people.
I constantly find myself wanting to be able to control time, just like probably most would, wanting to stop at good times and fast forward bad ones. Alas, then I would never grow as a person and although I would be perfectly content, I would also never truly be living.
This brings us to categorize life events into good and bad; general rule of most memories: Good- keep. Bad- burn pile.[I'd like to think this is what makes me optimistic] Note: some 'bad' memories are sneakily put into the "keep" pile as well- for necessary reference so I don't repeat them over again, most likely because I was stupid and messed something up. Much like how we avoid repeating history- and inevitably fail. This may or may not be the best way of preventing stupid things to reoccur; it may just be a sad reminder of when or if they do reoccur, at least you have that memory of last time you screwed up like that to make you feel better [sarcasm; also really not fun, but you know, life].
There is a good side to this, however. Back to the good portion of the keep pile- the past events you actually want to remember, and in actuality play over and over again in your head until you find yourself laying in bed for at least 12 hours straight, not really sleeping but not really awake, just replaying either a memory that was so fantastic that you could live in it forever or many memories that have gone fuzzy from trying to remember them so often from so long ago- and then realizing that it is now almost noon and you haven't gotten up yet or done anything [and would rather not anyway]. Hypothetically, of course.
From these memories, you can break them down into two parts: Beginnings and Ends. Yes, you can make the assumption that all memories have a beginning and end; that is true, but not what I mean. There are good memories that begin something new, start something fresh, hopefully to be repeated. There is also the counter to that- good memories that end something to allow you to begin something else. Although "ends" are typically referenced to as bad, I like to think that some good things have to end in order for those same good things to continue on in a different light or for an entirely different, better new thing to come along.
That doesn't mean ends still aren't sad. That also doesn't mean beginnings have to be happy either; both can go either way. That thought brings us back to the start: "I am happy because of what's happening right now, but I am also sad because I know time will take you away from me eventually; and with that, surely you will take my happiness with you- it is inevitable."
This quote, from whatever by whomever, made me think. Those thoughts came crashing onto me, like a sort of wake-up call. As much alone time I like to get, as far away from people as I like to be, there are a few people that I think I truly couldn't imagine living without. These are the people that make me happy; but these people can and inevitably will be taken away from me by time. I don't want to think that this future happening will rid me of the happiness I gained from them, however.
I want those few people to be beginnings, not ends. So when the ends of those beginnings happen, they will continue in a different way, and I can still be happy, because that's all that matters.
Conclusion: No matter how much I say the words I miss you, I need you, I love you- and no matter how much I mean them, or how sad that makes me- I have to know that time will bring us forward. Some things have to happen, and will. My fingers are crossed that those things will become beginnings, not ends.
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