Change.
There is constant change all around me. Friends leave, others tackle new adventures, you stay in the same place you always were. New experiences and ideas are popping up all the time- some good, some bad. You get hurt. People don't understand, especially not the one who needed to most. You feel yourself giving up on the ones you once held close. You go through things that you needed to all along, figure out who the ones you truly need are. You grow, you change. Some days are happier than others, for no reason. This next year is full of change.
I like to think that I'm like everyone else that I know, but somehow that isn't quite true. Yet still I go through the same things that most do, they just don't see everything quite as vividly as I think I do sometimes. Other people are louder than me, but they lack substance. When I'm alone with myself too long, I get swallowed up with words and things in my head. Those times can be the greatest of times and the scariest. It all depends on if that day is happier than others are. I can't imagine, though, what it would be like with less complicated thoughts in my head.
Someone once told me that I was "deep," but I don't quite think that's it. I think I see more of things that are there than others might. I think I have more complicated thoughts, with simple wants and needs. But does that mean I also feel more than others as well? Some days, I feel nothing at all, now. Those are more and more apparent as the year goes on. But when I feel, I feel immensely. When someone hurts me, it's like I'm being stabbed repeatedly and it won't stop until I simply don't care anymore. And when I love, it hits deeper than the darkness of night- and it doesn't just apply to lovers, either. Friends, family, loved ones- all of them are timelessly loved in my heart, and I can't help it. Even if I know someday they'll be gone. Although some days I hate this, the feeling of when I love I would never give away for anything. I don't think people understand this about me, because I think that I love everyone close to me as much as some others would love in a relationship (which is strange to apply to a friendship.)
Either way, all of this leads to me thinking (more recently) of how old I'm getting, and how soon I may have to leave the ones I love. I am so scared of the thoughts that after high school may bring, and I can't avoid the planning for them, no matter what. I can never go back to how young I once was, and it's hard to embrace how much I have now and how I've grown for such a young person because of the changes that lie ahead. Part of me doesn't want to grow, doesn't want to move on, or get older- but the other part knows that this is all part of life.
