Someone reassure me that I'm allowed to feel this way.
That I'm not the bad guy.
Over time, I've been angry at people that I hold close to in my life. Not all of them about stupid, little things, either- some of the things I've been angry about, anyone else would have confronted that person and gotten truly angry. Not that I wasn't angry at the time, just that I was angry by myself. I wouldn't get angry to the person I was angry with. I would just be angry. The same sort of thing goes for sadness, frustration, etc. Now, because this didn't happen often, I would just assume I was having a bad day or I was crazy and that eventually I would come to terms with the problem and accept it.
For some reason, this has gotten extremely difficult to do. I'm upset, I'm fed up, I'm so frustrated that I can't sleep at night. I have too many thoughts and feelings floating around, making noise in my head, that I can't close my eyes.
This all only started happening from a recent event where people got angry, or were stressed, and some tension was built. That happens. But the feeling that I got from that conversation is still lingering now, and more things are becoming apparent that are making that feeling stick around longer. I want change. I want things to be normal. I want to be heard.
The thing is, whenever I want to confront anyone about anything, I just can't. The words won't come out and I just want that person to go away, especially when I know that they realize that I'm upset and are waiting for me to tell them why. I want to scream at them for all the things that they are doing that in some shape or form is making me feel forgotten, unloved, unappreciated, frustrated, angry, like my thoughts don't matter and things that I want are a waste of time, all of the above- or a combination of them; but I either can't or if I start, I get stuck in between thoughts and we'd only talk about a portion of it that is just the beginning.
I'm afraid, though. I'm afraid they won't understand, that I get upset about different things than most people do, and they won't want to fix it. Or they'll tell me that I'm the problem, that I'm affecting them because of how I feel, because it's different, and then carry on doing whatever was making me angry in the first place because we a) didn't actually get to the point or b) they come to the conclusion that I was upset over nothing and unintentionally pin the problem on me and not fix anything.
This has been going on for awhile now, and I'm just so torn about everything that has to do with the people that are making me feel this way. I've spent multiple days that I've had off work and school doing nothing but being angry at home and not doing anything that could have made me less frustrated.
I just don't want my life to pass me by. I have such limited time with people that I love, that I care about- and it seems sometimes that they're going to keep me in the back of their minds because of something presumably more important, and then in less than I year I could be gone someplace else and trying to keep in touch knowing that since I'm not there, eventually they're going to forget about me as a part of their everyday lives entirely and that's it. As much as I don't want that to happen, I know in some way or another it probably will. So I want to spend as much time with those people as I can now, when I have the time, because tomorrow they might be a thousand miles away from me, and what if I don't want to go back? What if they never call? What if..they don't want me back? Then what?
I'm so confused. I'm so upset. Life is frustrating.
