Going to Go Nowhere

Every morning after the regular first hour of the day [I have band class that hour], I simply drive home and get on with my online classes until the next hour I have an elective [which would be 6th hour, choir- if you were wondering]. But today, as my road was nearing, I just didn't turn. I kept going, for no reason, and I didn't even know where this road would go to or end at or even if it would end at all. The point is that I just had the urge to go, and not stop until the desire to go was gone. 

This isn't the first time I've done this; I just sometimes get the urge and then go- no matter what I have to do or what time it may be, I just go. I have no idea why or what possesses me to actually go through with it- I just get a little thought like, "Hey, you know you could just keep going, even though this is your stop coming up," and I think- "Why the hell not?" and boom, I have no clue where I'm going or how I'm going to get back to where I originally had to be and I just go. Is that strange? I've almost convinced myself that it's a sure sign that I'm going completely mad.  I probably have, if I have to convince myself of it. 

The part that gets me is that I don't get the urge that I want to leave leave, as in out of the town or even the state itself. I have absolutely no desire to be anywhere but where I am now- so why do I just go to go nowhere? Maybe I just get this way on fidgety days, or when all I want to do is to not have to do anything- because I do have the power, at times, to go wherever I want to, and I like that feeling, so I take the opportunity when it shows up. That's not uncommon, I wouldn't think; it's just that I'm actually delusional enough to go through with it when I can. It's a little thing, and it doesn't mean much, of course, but it's just that I've been doing this type of thing a lot lately and it just struck me as a bit strange when I came to that realization this morning. 

Maybe it's because all the people I know have their lives planned out and are all heading off sooner or later to do bigger and better things, whilst I have no idea about anyone or anything and I'm just trying to get from point A to point B and I'm not even looking at point C like everyone else is. Maybe it's because some of the people I want to be around are too far away, so if I drive through their town or by coffee shops where we hung out once it'll make me feel better about it. Maybe there isn't even a meaning to my madness anyway, and just the pattern of myself steadily going completely bonkers is getting to me and I need a way to break the pattern. I don't know. I don't even understand myself anymore, and here I am again over thinking a little thing like driving or an extra half hour before I head home for the morning. At least it's something interesting to think about, or even for someone else to ponder as well. 

In any sense, it's still Monday and I've yet to get anything worthwhile done. 

Do I Know the You That You Know

Is there a difference? I wouldn't know. Since I know my you, but do I know the you that you know, and is my you and your you the same you?

My answer: I hope so. I don't want to think that you have to change who you are when you're around me, because that means you're shutting a part of you away from me. I will never know those parts of you that are hidden from me- which means I can never know you; not all of you, that is. Is that asking too much? I don't know. I never can tell if I ask too much, or bug you when I message you because I miss you, or even what you're thinking when you look at me. Then the you I think I know starts to slip away and I constantly wonder what is going through your mind on a daily basis, and if I would be able to guess if I tried. Do I know you enough to even guess what you could possibly be thinking? I want to say yes; I feel as though half the time I would be wrong, because part of me thinks that I truly don't know most of you- I just know my you.
And that fact makes me feel so incredibly alone, simply because the person that I'm closest to I'm not even sure if I know them at all. If I don't even truly know the one that's closest to me, then who do I even have? Is there anyone at all? I may only know a version of you, because that's the you that you want me to see, even though I want to know just you- flaws and all. Even if it means you're no longer quite the same person that I thought I knew, it would be well worth it.

If I had the privilege of knowing only the you that you yourself knows, that would be the most beautiful thing I could ask for. Or possibly the most selfish. My thought is if there is more to you than what I know, then there is so much more of you that intrigues me and so much more for me to love, since I could never hate you, even if I don't know some of you as well as others or even at all.

While most people wish for things like someone to love them, or someone they can fully trust- I wish that I could be so close to someone that the mere thought of them gets me going for hours just because I know every inch of them, mind and heart. That I don't have to see them because I can remember them so vividly that they seem like they're here when they're not. So that I don't have to say that I miss them, or that I just want to be held, or count the days that I haven't seen their face.

Most of all, I want someone to want to know all of me as well, just so I know there's someone out there who thinks the same way of me.

To Be Perfect

Thought of the Day

Everyone has differences that make themselves slightly unlike everyone else. These differences ultimately make everyone the same in that everyone is different; so similarities show and people can be placed into groups of people that all have similar differences. I can bet that each and every one of us have thought of themselves as 'the one that stands out', like an unlikely hero of any movie with an underdog ever. 

Sadly, this is nine times out of ten untrue. Not that everyone doesn't have their own stories to tell, but your story is ultimately somewhat similar (yet different, of course) from another's. 

People in general are also constantly looking for patterns in everything; even when there isn't one and there never will be one. So, for example, when people are looking for patterns in other people (resulting in the groups of people with similar differences I mentioned before) they tend to find breaks in these 'people patterns'. This break in the pattern would be a single person that stands out, or doesn't really seem to be categorized into any one group of people. 

These people are the ones that we portray as desirable, or "perfect". The people we want to be, but can never really quite fill the same shoes, because we are all ultimately differently similar. These people are ever so delicate, quiet, good at everything they seek and are every sense of the term "perfect"- or to any number of other individuals, they are, anyway. 

        I tend to always be drawn to those types of people, but not in the "I'm going to say hi and be your friend" kind of way; more like the "I'm just going to sit here and people-stalk you because you're absolutely freaking wonderful in every way thus I can't talk to you because I'm me" kind of way. I also can't help but think that each of these "perfect" beings must think this same way about others the way people think of them too. Does the thought of themselves always come with a "I could do this better, like __ does" or "I wish I could look like__"--the very same thoughts that are always answered by people like me with their name, never thinking of themselves as special or even remotely perfect in any way? Or are they aware of this fact, destined to live a perfect life? 

Of course not. To each and every one of us, there is a "perfect" being that we all strive to be like. But of course, we all do not strive for the same "perfect" being- we all have different people that we praise as being "perfect", because everyone is different. 

Which means, in the end, eventually every single person of all time is considered "perfect" to someone. 

It could be anyone. It could be you, or me, or that girl sitting ever so delicately reserved while waiting for class to end, unknowing that someone else is wondering why they can't be just like her. 

Everyone is different, yet similar. Everyone thinks of another as perfect, yet they never realize that someone else is also thinking of them the exact same way they are of another being- perfect- and also wishing they could be just like them. 

In the end, you are perfect to someone. So why stop being you when someone else is just as desperate to be like you as you are of someone else?