I was looking through some old photo albums and journals I had when I was younger that I found while beginning to clean my room the other day (it's still not cleaned now) and it kind of struck me that I was now suddenly closer to 20 years of age rather than 10. Granted, I still have three more years until I hit that 20 year benchmark, but that's still a strange thought. It also struck me that I was almost done with high school- and to top it all off, my brothers measured me to see if they were taller than I was this morning and made me realize that they too weren't so little anymore (although I am still two inches taller than the both of them).
I don't know how many people dwell on the fact that they are now older at my age- those that I know are hurriedly trying to grow up as fast as they can, and can't wait to leave and begin a new chapter of their life as an actual adult. I, on the other hand, re-read all of my old papers, journals, notes to friends, etc and actually cried for a solid few hours looking at just old pictures of myself (partially because I was sad to realize how I was stepping into the "young adult" zone and also partially because of the horrible middle school flashbacks). To be honest, I am not so sure why. I know, by comparison, I like myself much better now than five years ago. At the same time, I think I miss the little me I was before growing up was even a thing. Not just the lack of responsibility I had then compared to now either; I miss the more loving, innocent, tiny flower-child I like to think I was more than 10 years ago now.
A part of that small child I like most about myself is still somewhat present now- I think for a while there I lost that free part of me when I decided to "grow up" and went through the "I-have-to-be-cool-and-liked" phase around 6th-8th grade when I thought that I had to be funny and smart and pretty and all that- which did not really happen for me at all. I think now that I've essentially grown up I find myself going back to that flower-child stage combined with the knowledge of getting older; whereas I'm different now compared to the post-6th grade self because I know that not everything is exactly a fairy-tale but also quite similar in the sense of caring more about others or the beauty in little things/events and not focusing so much on myself or worrying what others think of me as much anymore. I want to return to what the smallest version of my self thought the world was like- an adventure where you know everything could go wrong and the only way to live is to love every moment you get and the prize was love and happiness in return.
The main reason why I feel so nostalgic looking back on myself is probably because I'm scared that I had lost who I was and the kind of person I wanted to be when I was transitioning between a small child and young adult; the time when I thought I mattered more than anyone else. I know now I never wanted that to be the case at all. All I ever really wanted was to explore, love and be loved in return. To be happy and nothing more, nothing less. Now, I am sure that is still all I want even though for a while there I had lost that feeling. I had also lost the feeling of love and appreciation for the littlest things in life that I held so dear when I was small. Now that the more self-centered me is essentially gone, I feel that I am just returning back to the tiny flower-child I once was, except now I may not be quite so innocent and I know what it's like to be unhappy and what it's like to not succeed.
Maybe I'm still not so bright and I don't know everything like I once thought I might at this age when I was little, but I know my main goal is to give and be happy, to love and appreciate the things I have now instead of morning the loss of things I might have once had. I want to be as free as I felt I was when I was very little, except now I may not have to imagine my adventures, friendship, or love like I once did- and now I can see I have a whole life ahead of me still even though it seems one has already passed.
