Kill With Love

I just want to be done. I want to have the time to be freely creative and not have to spend all the time I have revising for school and worrying if I have too much to do in too short of time- as this always seems to be the busiest time of the year for me. I feel like I'm just pulling out my own hair trying to balance everything I want to be able to do with what I have to do and what I've already committed myself to doing. There's a stack of dishes I'm simply trying to balance with all the things to do in such a short time and I have to be able to get from point A to B with said dishes that feel like they're just going to slip and go crashing down at any moment and I have no control whatsoever of when exactly they are going to fall. It seems almost inevitable that they will fall, leaving me in a mess of my own failure.
This being said, you could say I am quite unstable and anxious at the moment. I just want to hide in a hole away from the large masses of people that I will have to encounter for at least the next few days as the ACT and other various tests are being carried out. Being a mostly home-schooled student, this event just adds to the pile of dishes- at least just for this week.

All of this is putting me in a rather strange mood- or many moods, I suppose- where at the same time as I want to be as far away from people as possible, I also feel as if I need to let certain persons know just how lovely they are simply because they are one of the few people I would actually want to see while I want to retreat from the world. At the same time as I am feeling needy and want to push everything I have to do away, I feel the need to be thankful for who I have in my life and embrace the things that make me a happier person as well. You could say I might be a bit of a hopeless mess for the time being (not that I'm significantly much better normally).

Like most, though, there is one person in particular that I know for a fact sees how much of an emotional blob I am right now- because they take it as an opportunity to make themselves better than myself. Although I will not name names, I only really have one person who constantly feels the need to make it be known how much of an incompetent failure I am by constantly reminding me how I can't seem to do anything right. As this is a constant thing, I've learned to put up with it. Right now, however, I can't seem to block out that creeping feeling that I am destined to never do anything right and how that feeling is being fed by these constant verbal reminders this person gives me.
Before I begin complaining about my life (even though I have absolutely no right to whatsoever) think about this: when constantly put down by a force uncontrollable by yourself, you tend to instinctively want to fight that force and make it leave with hostility. As I realized not so long ago, and need to remind myself now, I need to love.

Instead of simply loving what I uncontrollably do on a regular basis, I need to love these hostile forces that may be killing my self-esteem. I need to make an effort to put kindness where hate is being thrown at me- whether it be person, event, or my own inner stress; because as much as I would like it to, hostility doesn't make the hatred leave. It only makes hate grow within yourself toward that person or whatever is causing you pain which will only hurt yourself more in the end. As much as there are times where I simply want to be held and let the stress pour out of myself, I know I can't. I have to be able to keep working, as it could be so so much worse. I need to tell myself to love constantly- everything and everyone I come in contact with, including myself. Even if there are those who don't believe that I can succeed, I need to love myself and be at peace with all people, things, and events in my life in order to not be swallowed whole by the growing anxiety I have in me. Love without being loved in return; throw kindness toward hate- kill with love, live without hate. As impossible as it sounds, this is what I know must happen in order to remain truly at peace, even if I am not there at the moment. Think; I can I can I can I can. I love, I live, I breathe. Life goes on.