I Want to be Heard

Someone hear me. 

Someone reassure me that I'm allowed to feel this way.

That I'm not the bad guy. 

Over time, I've been angry at people that I hold close to in my life. Not all of them about stupid, little things, either- some of the things I've been angry about, anyone else would have confronted that person and gotten truly angry. Not that I wasn't angry at the time, just that I was angry by myself. I wouldn't get angry to the person I was angry with. I would just be angry. The same sort of thing goes for sadness, frustration, etc. Now, because this didn't happen often, I would just assume I was having a bad day or I was crazy and that eventually I would come to terms with the problem and accept it. 

For some reason, this has gotten extremely difficult to do. I'm upset, I'm fed up, I'm so frustrated that I can't sleep at night. I have too many thoughts and feelings floating around, making noise in my head, that I can't close my eyes.

This all only started happening from a recent event where people got angry, or were stressed, and some tension was built. That happens. But the feeling that I got from that conversation is still lingering now, and more things are becoming apparent that are making that feeling stick around longer. I want change. I want things to be normal. I want to be heard. 

The thing is, whenever I want to confront anyone about anything, I just can't. The words won't come out and I just want that person to go away, especially when I know that they realize that I'm upset and are waiting for me to tell them why. I want to scream at them for all the things that they are doing that in some shape or form is making me feel forgotten, unloved, unappreciated, frustrated, angry, like my thoughts don't matter and things that I want are a waste of time, all of the above- or a combination of them; but I either can't or if I start, I get stuck in between thoughts and we'd only talk about a portion of it that is just the beginning. 

I'm afraid, though. I'm afraid they won't understand, that I get upset about different things than most people do, and they won't want to fix it. Or they'll tell me that I'm the problem, that I'm affecting them because of how I feel, because it's different, and then carry on doing whatever was making me angry in the first place because we a) didn't actually get to the point or b) they come to the conclusion that I was upset over nothing and unintentionally pin the problem on me and not fix anything. 

This has been going on for awhile now, and I'm just so torn about everything that has to do with the people that are making me feel this way. I've spent multiple days that I've had off work and school doing nothing but being angry at home and not doing anything that could have made me less frustrated. 

I just don't want my life to pass me by. I have such limited time with people that I love, that I care about- and it seems sometimes that they're going to keep me in the back of their minds because of something presumably more important, and then in less than I year I could be gone someplace else and trying to keep in touch knowing that since I'm not there, eventually they're going to forget about me as a part of their everyday lives entirely and that's it. As much as I don't want that to happen, I know in some way or another it probably will. So I want to spend as much time with those people as I can now, when I have the time, because tomorrow they might be a thousand miles away from me, and what if I don't want to go back? What if they never call? What if..they don't want me back? Then what?

I'm so confused. I'm so upset. Life is frustrating. 

Never as Young as We Once Were

Change. 

There is constant change all around me. Friends leave, others tackle new adventures, you stay in the same place you always were. New experiences and ideas are popping up all the time- some good, some bad. You get hurt. People don't understand, especially not the one who needed to most. You feel yourself giving up on the ones you once held close. You go through things that you needed to all along, figure out who the ones you truly need are. You grow, you change. Some days are happier than others, for no reason. This next year is full of change. 

I like to think that I'm like everyone else that I know, but somehow that isn't quite true. Yet still I go through the same things that most do, they just don't see everything quite as vividly as I think I do sometimes. Other people are louder than me, but they lack substance. When I'm alone with myself too long, I get swallowed up with words and things in my head. Those times can be the greatest of times and the scariest. It all depends on if that day is happier than others are. I can't imagine, though, what it would be like with less complicated thoughts in my head. 

Someone once told me that I was "deep," but I don't quite think that's it. I think I see more of things that are there than others might. I think I have more complicated thoughts, with simple wants and needs. But does that mean I also feel more than others as well? Some days, I feel nothing at all, now. Those are more and more apparent as the year goes on. But when I feel, I feel immensely. When someone hurts me, it's like I'm being stabbed repeatedly and it won't stop until I simply don't care anymore. And when I love, it hits deeper than the darkness of night- and it doesn't just apply to lovers, either. Friends, family, loved ones- all of them are timelessly loved in my heart, and I can't help it. Even if I know someday they'll be gone. Although some days I hate this, the feeling of when I love I would never give away for anything. I don't think people understand this about me, because I think that I love everyone close to me as much as some others would love in a relationship (which is strange to apply to a friendship.) 

Either way, all of this leads to me thinking (more recently) of how old I'm getting, and how soon I may have to leave the ones I love. I am so scared of the thoughts that after high school may bring, and I can't avoid the planning for them, no matter what. I can never go back to how young I once was, and it's hard to embrace how much I have now and how I've grown for such a young person because of the changes that lie ahead. Part of me doesn't want to grow, doesn't want to move on, or get older- but the other part knows that this is all part of life. 

Kill With Love

I just want to be done. I want to have the time to be freely creative and not have to spend all the time I have revising for school and worrying if I have too much to do in too short of time- as this always seems to be the busiest time of the year for me. I feel like I'm just pulling out my own hair trying to balance everything I want to be able to do with what I have to do and what I've already committed myself to doing. There's a stack of dishes I'm simply trying to balance with all the things to do in such a short time and I have to be able to get from point A to B with said dishes that feel like they're just going to slip and go crashing down at any moment and I have no control whatsoever of when exactly they are going to fall. It seems almost inevitable that they will fall, leaving me in a mess of my own failure.
This being said, you could say I am quite unstable and anxious at the moment. I just want to hide in a hole away from the large masses of people that I will have to encounter for at least the next few days as the ACT and other various tests are being carried out. Being a mostly home-schooled student, this event just adds to the pile of dishes- at least just for this week.

All of this is putting me in a rather strange mood- or many moods, I suppose- where at the same time as I want to be as far away from people as possible, I also feel as if I need to let certain persons know just how lovely they are simply because they are one of the few people I would actually want to see while I want to retreat from the world. At the same time as I am feeling needy and want to push everything I have to do away, I feel the need to be thankful for who I have in my life and embrace the things that make me a happier person as well. You could say I might be a bit of a hopeless mess for the time being (not that I'm significantly much better normally).

Like most, though, there is one person in particular that I know for a fact sees how much of an emotional blob I am right now- because they take it as an opportunity to make themselves better than myself. Although I will not name names, I only really have one person who constantly feels the need to make it be known how much of an incompetent failure I am by constantly reminding me how I can't seem to do anything right. As this is a constant thing, I've learned to put up with it. Right now, however, I can't seem to block out that creeping feeling that I am destined to never do anything right and how that feeling is being fed by these constant verbal reminders this person gives me.
Before I begin complaining about my life (even though I have absolutely no right to whatsoever) think about this: when constantly put down by a force uncontrollable by yourself, you tend to instinctively want to fight that force and make it leave with hostility. As I realized not so long ago, and need to remind myself now, I need to love.

Instead of simply loving what I uncontrollably do on a regular basis, I need to love these hostile forces that may be killing my self-esteem. I need to make an effort to put kindness where hate is being thrown at me- whether it be person, event, or my own inner stress; because as much as I would like it to, hostility doesn't make the hatred leave. It only makes hate grow within yourself toward that person or whatever is causing you pain which will only hurt yourself more in the end. As much as there are times where I simply want to be held and let the stress pour out of myself, I know I can't. I have to be able to keep working, as it could be so so much worse. I need to tell myself to love constantly- everything and everyone I come in contact with, including myself. Even if there are those who don't believe that I can succeed, I need to love myself and be at peace with all people, things, and events in my life in order to not be swallowed whole by the growing anxiety I have in me. Love without being loved in return; throw kindness toward hate- kill with love, live without hate. As impossible as it sounds, this is what I know must happen in order to remain truly at peace, even if I am not there at the moment. Think; I can I can I can I can. I love, I live, I breathe. Life goes on.

Older & Not Much Wiser

I was looking through some old photo albums and journals I had when I was younger that I found while beginning to clean my room the other day (it's still not cleaned now) and it kind of struck me that I was now suddenly closer to 20 years of age rather than 10. Granted, I still have three more years until I hit that 20 year benchmark, but that's still a strange thought. It also struck me that I was almost done with high school- and to top it all off, my brothers measured me to see if they were taller than I was this morning and made me realize that they too weren't so little anymore (although I am still two inches taller than the both of them).

I don't know how many people dwell on the fact that they are now older at my age- those that I know are hurriedly trying to grow up as fast as they can, and can't wait to leave and begin a new chapter of their life as an actual adult. I, on the other hand, re-read all of my old papers, journals, notes to friends, etc and actually cried for a solid few hours looking at just old pictures of myself (partially because I was sad to realize how I was stepping into the "young adult" zone and also partially because of the horrible middle school flashbacks). To be honest, I am not so sure why. I know, by comparison, I like myself much better now than five years ago. At the same time, I think I miss the little me I was before growing up was even a thing. Not just the lack of responsibility I had then compared to now either; I miss the more loving, innocent, tiny flower-child I like to think I was more than 10 years ago now.

A part of that small child I like most about myself is still somewhat present now- I think for a while there I lost that free part of me when I decided to "grow up" and went through the "I-have-to-be-cool-and-liked" phase around 6th-8th grade when I thought that I had to be funny and smart and pretty and all that- which did not really happen for me at all. I think now that I've essentially grown up I find myself going back to that flower-child stage combined with the knowledge of getting older; whereas I'm different now compared to the post-6th grade self because I know that not everything is exactly a fairy-tale but also quite similar in the sense of caring more about others or the beauty in little things/events and not focusing so much on myself or worrying what others think of me as much anymore. I want to return to what the smallest version of my self thought the world was like- an adventure where you know everything could go wrong and the only way to live is to love every moment you get and the prize was love and happiness in return.

The main reason why I feel so nostalgic looking back on myself is probably because I'm scared that I had lost who I was and the kind of person I wanted to be when I was transitioning between a small child and young adult; the time when I thought I mattered more than anyone else. I know now I never wanted that to be the case at all. All I ever really wanted was to explore, love and be loved in return. To be happy and nothing more, nothing less. Now, I am sure that is still all I want even though for a while there I had lost that feeling. I had also lost the feeling of love and appreciation for the littlest things in life that I held so dear when I was small. Now that the more self-centered me is essentially gone, I feel that I am just returning back to the tiny flower-child I once was, except now I may not be quite so innocent and I know what it's like to be unhappy and what it's like to not succeed.

Maybe I'm still not so bright and I don't know everything like I once thought I might at this age when I was little, but I know my main goal is to give and be happy, to love and appreciate the things I have now instead of morning the loss of things I might have once had. I want to be as free as I felt I was when I was very little, except now I may not have to imagine my adventures, friendship, or love like I once did- and now I can see I have a whole life ahead of me still even though it seems one has already passed.

Words In Boxes

My room is a disaster at the moment. I was going to clean it Monday, and now it's somehow Friday night. I swore to myself today I will freaking clean my room, and I did. Almost. I started to, anyway, until I found a box on my shelf. Well, I mean, I knew it was there, so I didn't find it per say; but that's not the point. In this box was another box, one that I forgot about. That was the real find. 

You see, this box holds memories. Thoughts. Feelings. Words. Approximately an entire year's worth of them; 12 little index cards, one for each month, for an entire year. It sounds stupid, I know. But I think this was the best idea I've ever had- I don't know if I'll go through with it, but either way, it was a good idea. 

You know all of those thoughts you have that you constantly wish you could share with people and say what you mean instead of just sitting there and thinking about what you'd like to say in that moment, or even what you've always wanted to say to a specific person, but then just letting that moment slip away without saying anything and you're left just thinking about what could have happened if you simply just said what was on your mind? This is that, written down on a singular tiny index card for each month of one whole year. How I felt and wanted to say for that specific month, but didn't. No dates, no order, just thoughts, feelings- words. 

These are the things I will never say, but wanted to. 

The purpose of this project was to write down the general things from each month of one year that I was feeling at that time, specifically to one person in particular. Then, at the beginning of the next year, I would give all the cards to this person. 

Why? Because life's too short to have meaningful things go untold. I don't want to start to drift away from people that actually mean something to me and have possibly thousands of things I wish I could have said to them just sitting in the back of my head. Those thoughts of untold feelings and unsaid truths would haunt me. I had almost forgotten about the cards, honestly, as I started them at a specific point in the year and one year had already went by now; it was nice re-reading them, however, and I found for the most part I still feel the same way as I did when I wrote each card. Although I was too scared to give away these cards at the true one year mark, now it's getting close to another new year- 2014. Maybe I'll decide to kick off the new year by sucking it up and actually say what I really mean to, with purpose, to those that I want need to. They may already know these things, I don't know. I can't assume that, because as far as I know they have no way of knowing any of the things I have wanted to say to them. 

My main point is: Life is too short to keep your words in boxes instead of using them as they were intended. Don't wait for someone to walk in or out of your life to tell them what you want to, what you need to. Hell, what they need to, even. Even if they've heard it a thousand times over. Don't ever let friendship, happiness, and love go unacknowledged or unspoken.  

The Path To Happiness

For the people who want out, but don't have a light; who don't know they're surrounded by love; who bring themselves pain because they can't feel anything else; for those who have nothing left to feel; who are anxious and frightened but won't accept someone else's helping hand; those I can't do anything for because they think I can't-because I don't understand.

For those who need help, but won't accept it. 

Sadness is all around me. Especially lately; or maybe I've only noticed how bad it's gotten lately, even though it could have been there much, much longer. I am not allowed to say or do anything because I seem happy, because there isn't anything wrong with me, so therefore I don't understand and I can't give them what they need because I haven't been there. Countless times I've heard, "You can't help me," "I don't need help," "How can you be so optimistic?" "Why are you even trying?" Or the saddest yet: "I wish I was happy. Like you. I really do." 

I feel lost in a rabbit hole, trying to help those around me that plainly need it, but am told I can't do anything. To them, if I'm not in the same place, the same position, as they are-or if I haven't been- then nothing I do or say will have any effect on them because I don't know. I don't understand, I can't- I haven't been there. I'm happy- therefore I should let them be miserable, nothing more than just a person with kind words and a shoulder to cry on. That breaks my heart. 

You know what I realized? Their misery is making me feel worse- like I am responsible for making them better, because I'm close to them, but at the same time I'm told that there's nothing I can do. Nothing but listen and sit back while some of those closest to me break. "You are happy- you are so optimistic- but you can't make me the same way."

That has some truth to it; I can't make anyone be anything they aren't. But being happy is something that is within everyone- you have a right to be happy. It's not a quality like being able to sing or being a good basketball player- you can't say that you can never be happy the same way you say you can never be tall; everyone, no matter what, can be happy. 

I don't want to be told that I am not able to help someone in any way, shape, or form simply because I am at a point where they would like to be. Just because I am happy doesn't mean I don't feel pain. It doesn't mean I don't get sad, or that I don't have bad days too. Just because everyday isn't a bad day doesn't mean I don't know, to at least a small degree, what that's like. 

And I know I can't just expect people to think about this all in the same way- I can't expect for people to be optimistic when I am, or when they should. But I can expect, however, that they take me seriously when I offer a helping hand, or at least that I can try to actually help them- not just give them meaningless words of kindness in exchange for the words of hate that they will forget before I'm even done talking. That's crushing-especially now that I see how often this occurs in people.  

You know what the saddest part is? Those who need the most, get the least, take the least- and won't accept (and possibly don't recognize) when there is help around them. When there is love around them. They are so bad off that they don't seem to know anything else but that- and don't accept it when you try to show them the way out- when you want to be that light, but they are blind.  

"At the end of the day, all that matters is if you are happy. If you are happy, then it was a good day." 

I've been hearing versions of this recently, said by someone very dear to me, now more often than before. It may be the most truthful thing I have ever heard- and it doesn't get tiring hearing it in multiple ways every now and again. These words get me through the toughest of days; every night I ask myself, "After today, are you still happy?"  And I always answer,
                                        "Yes- it's all that matters."

I would like to think that if everyone accepted the help that they need at any point in their life, then we should have the opportunity to be happy. This is true; but only if there is a helping hand that these people that need it can grab- and I know, not everyone is as helpful to others when they need it so long as they themselves are happy. I realize for some, helping others doesn't make them happy. But they need it. Someone, somewhere, will need you- weather they reach out or not, weather you want to or not. If you are happy, let others get that boost they may need to be so as well- and if you need that boost, take one when offered. Accept love that is around you; look for happiness, don't wait to drown in sorrow.

Ends of Beginnings; Beginning of Ends

         There was some poem or article or something that I was reading the other day-for the life of me I can't remember what it was or anything about it besides one line that caught my attention: "I am happy because of what's happening right now, but I am also sad because I know time will take you away from me eventually; and with that, surely you will take my happiness with you- it is inevitable."

It seems that whenever I think about anything even somewhat important, I tend to always come back to the subject of time. Is that strange? I'd like to think that I'm just more aware of time in general than most people, but maybe I just bring up the subject more than most people would. I don't know; I'm not most people.
I constantly find myself wanting to be able to control time, just like probably most would, wanting to stop at good times and fast forward bad ones. Alas, then I would never grow as a person and although I would be perfectly content, I would also never truly be living.
        This brings us to categorize life events into good and bad; general rule of most memories: Good- keep. Bad- burn pile.[I'd like to think this is what makes me optimistic]  Note: some 'bad' memories are sneakily put into the "keep" pile as well- for necessary reference so I don't repeat them over again, most likely because I was stupid and messed something up. Much like how we avoid repeating history- and inevitably fail. This may or may not be the best way of preventing stupid things to reoccur; it may just be a sad reminder of when or if they do reoccur, at least you have that memory of last time you screwed up like that to make you feel better [sarcasm; also really not fun, but you know, life].

There is a good side to this, however. Back to the good portion of the keep pile- the past events you actually want to remember, and in actuality play over and over again in your head until you find yourself laying in bed for at least 12 hours straight, not really sleeping but not really awake, just replaying either a memory that was so fantastic that you could live in it forever or many memories that have gone fuzzy from trying to remember them so often from so long ago- and then realizing that it is now almost noon and you haven't gotten up yet or done anything [and would rather not anyway]. Hypothetically, of course.
       From these memories, you can break them down into two parts: Beginnings and Ends. Yes, you can make the assumption that all memories have a beginning and end; that is true, but not what I mean. There are good memories that begin something new, start something fresh, hopefully to be repeated. There is also the counter to that- good memories that end something to allow you to begin something else. Although "ends" are typically referenced to as bad, I like to think that some good things have to end in order for those same good things to continue on in a different light or for an entirely different, better new thing to come along.

That doesn't mean ends still aren't sad. That also doesn't mean beginnings have to be happy either; both can go either way. That thought brings us back to the start: "I am happy because of what's happening right now, but I am also sad because I know time will take you away from me eventually; and with that, surely you will take my happiness with you- it is inevitable."

This quote, from whatever by whomever, made me think. Those thoughts came crashing onto me, like a sort of wake-up call. As much alone time I like to get, as far away from people as I like to be, there are a few people that I think I truly couldn't imagine living without. These are the people that make me happy; but these people can and inevitably will be taken away from  me by time. I don't want to think that this future happening will rid me of the happiness I gained from them, however.
I want those few people to be beginnings, not ends. So when the ends of those beginnings happen, they will continue in a different way, and I can still be happy, because that's all that matters.

Conclusion: No matter how much I say the words I miss you, I need you, I love you- and no matter how much I mean them, or how sad that makes me- I have to know that time will bring us forward. Some things have to happen, and will. My fingers are crossed that those things will become beginnings, not ends.